Five Times Ikkaku Tried to Ask Kira Ou
by peroxidepest17
Summary: Ikkaku tends to do things backwards.


**Title:** Five Times Ikkaku Tried to Ask Kira Out (and One Time He Succeeded)  
**Universe:** Bleach  
**Theme/Topic:** LOL as the title says.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Character/Pairing/s:** IkkakuxKira, Yumichika, Iba, Shuuhei, Renji, Matsumoto (mentions some IbaxMatsumoto and past GinxKira)  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** Vague spoilers for the SS arc. Pretty much AU after that. Also! Raging OOC. XD  
**Word Count:** 3,198  
**Summary:** Ikkaku tends to do things backwards.  
**Dedication: **requested by thehoyden! I am sorry this is so weird.  
**A/N: **Still combating that writer's block (or I guess in my case writer's laziness), so I apologize if this is OOC and kind of um… random and weird. LOL It's always an uphill battle for someone like me, who is neither a born genius _nor_ a genius of hard work. Mediocrity is too comfortable, I guess? Anyway, yeah. I kind of forced it. You can probably tell.  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine, though I wish constantly.  
**Distribution:** Just lemme know.

* * *

**1. Askin' Proper **

Apparently making out with your vice-captain in your office is one thing, but going about this whole dating thing all "official like" is another thing altogether.

Ikkaku—naturally— doesn't really get it.

Luckily Yumichika does, and while he understands that Ikkaku's long list of past conquests have all involved nothing more than a raised eyebrow and some sort of sleazy, "hey, baby," complete with perv-eyes, he also knows that there is a reason those relationships don't ever persist beyond night one and the return of both participants' sobriety.

"All I am suggesting," Yumichika starts, and looks pointedly at his best friend, "is that one does like to feel wanted every now and again."

Ikkaku doesn't know how not-being-able-to-keep-his-hands-off-of-Kira-during-working-hours might be misinterpreted as the blond not being wanted. He scowls at the idea and opens his mouth to speak, because even if Yumichika thinks he knows everything he clearly _doesn't_.

Before he can make an idiot of himself however, Yumichika reads his mind. Wrinkles his nose in distaste. "I mean a date, you imbecile. Some sort of public affair that shows him that whatever slack-jawed manhandling you're participating in during working hours isn't the crux of your affiliation and that your relationship with him will not always be something that occurs behind closed doors only. You of all people should understand his need for that."

Ikkaku's jaw snaps shut. "So… manhandle in public?" he poses, after a moment.

Yumichika slaps a hand to his forehead. "Ask him to dinner. _Dinner_."

Ikkaku blinks. "What, that's it? I can do that. Easy." Only reason he hasn't already is because he likes his business being his business and Izuru strikes him as the type that might be mortified if everyone's talking about how he's banging his captain _again_.

But a date. Sounds simple enough. He can do that. "Right, thanks," he tells Yumichika after a moment of thought. He stands to leave.

Yumichika gives him a skeptical look as he heads out the door, and Ikkaku frowns right back at him, thinking to himself that _he'll_ _show him_. He and Kira will be officially dating and all that good stuff like, _tomorrow_.

So the very next day, Ikkaku asks Kira to dinner. Well, more specifically, he asks while they're out having lunch and Shuuhei and Renji and Iba are sitting across from them, arguing about what's hotter: scars or tattoos (Shuuhei isn't really arguing because he's got both, but he doesn't mind goading Iba and Renji on for kicks in the meantime).

"We should go get some grub tonight," Ikkaku grunts as casually as he can to Kira as Iba grabs Renji and puts in him in a headlock on the other side of the table. Ikkaku thinks his face may be pink. He hopes not, but if it is, he's also really glad Yumichika isn't here. This whole asking out thing is admittedly harder than he'd first thought it'd be.

"How 'bout I give you some scars so you can see how cool they are for yourself, asshat?" Tetsuzaemon growls in the background. He tries shoving Abarai's head into the table.

Ikkaku clears his throat and does a pretty good job of ignoring them even though they're fucking up his big moment. He looks awkwardly at Kira, waiting for the answer. "I mean, only grub if you wanna. You know."

Kira blinks back at him, and seems surprised and pleased at the idea. The fact that he is both makes Ikkaku feel kind of like an ass, and makes him think that maybe the forty-something hickeys Izuru's got on his neck and collarbone (and chest and shoulders and inner thighs, if you're being specific) are not enough after all, to show the blond that Ikkaku really means business.

Just as Kira is about to answer though, Renji punches Iba in the face and grins. "Grub? Oi…hear there's a new strip joint recently opened up 'round about district twelve. The uh…buffalo wings are great. Or so I was _told._" He winks then, so everyone will understand that he is not talking about chicken and that he was not told so much as he was there. Yesterday.

Iba, holding his bleeding nose, can't help but agree to the idea. "I like buffalo wings," he says, just as subtly as Renji had, before he drops his elbow down on the top of Abarai's head with a crack.

"I'm in for the boobs," Shuuhei declares, and somehow, makes that sound much more sophisticated than any of Iba and Renji's stupid euphemisms. He grins at Kira. "What about it? Promise I won't let you get as drunk as last time, you wanna come along. Five of us, we'll have fun."

Kira sighs, because the way Shuuhei is talking, they all know he's still in "let's get Ichimaru out of Izuru's head" mode. Ikkaku thinks that the fact that everyone is still stuck on that same goddamned page might have something to do with the fact that all of his so-called slack-jawed manhandling has been behind closed doors thus far. He hates when Yumichika is so right it burns.

After a moment, Kira sighs at Hisagi and smiles ruefully. "Sure," he says, and that surprised, pleased look is gone, replaced with something like a long-suffering sort of good humor. Because he knows he can't say no, not when he is touched by the fact that Hisagi is still looking out for him, even after he's long since come to terms with most everything himself.

Ikkaku grunts. "Yay boobs," he says, and for once doesn't actually mean it.

After that he watches Renji slam a palm into Iba's chin before wrestling him onto the floor and into a figure-four hold.

"Give! Give!" Iba grunts, and pounds the floor with his hand when Renji twists his leg behind him mercilessly.

Renji whoops and stands at the capitulation. "Tattoos win!" He pumps his fists in the air and doesn't seem to notice that his lip is bleeding all down his chin and throat and staining the collar of his shita-gi.

Iba and Shuuhei don't tell him.

Ikkaku sighs as he watches the three of them and thinks that maybe he needs to find himself some better wingmen.

**2. Love Letter**

After lunch they head back to headquarters and Ikkaku figures that maybe asking outright isn't to his level yet, because he feels kind of stupid and awkward whenever he even imagines trying it (especially given his first attempt's idiotic results).

Who knew a dinner date could be harder to get than a quickie in the supply closet?

But then again, given his particular areas of expertise, using words to communicate definitely isn't in the top ten. Maybe not even the top twenty.

For a guy like him, he knows it's definitely easier to just wrap his hands around that narrow waist and pull, to smirk and kiss and maybe cop a feel other places, the way he knows _how_. That method of communication he's got down pat.

But that's not the agenda, because that's not a date or _dinner_ or whatever those things are actually supposed to signify in the greater realm of Yumichika-relationship-counseling-for-the-socially-inept.

He's going legit for this one, just because it feels like the thing to do. And besides, if all those hickeys haven't gotten the picture into Izuru's head yet, he doubts that giving the man a dozen more will help either way (though it is tempting to try it and see what happens).

Ikkaku figures that Plan B will be him writing up something nice that'll be less embarrassing for him since Kira can read it to himself rather than make Ikkaku say everything out loud. Ikkaku's not so good with words on a regular basis, but he gets downright _retarded _whenever he's looking at Izuru and wanting to stop talking and suck on the blond's neck instead.

So he spends some time writing something up—nothing too fancy, but nicer than he'd be able to ever say on the spot. When he's done he folds it into the report that he'd been working on and surreptitiously leaves it on Kira's desk for him to pick up later. But then, before he can turn around, Kira looks up at him and smiles shyly. Ikkaku sees that and ends up walking hard into the corner of the table on accident because he's too busy concentrating on not grabbing the guy _right then and there _to notice where he's going.

"Ow. Fuck!" he curses, when his knee slams right into the edge.

Kira actually laughs at him and stands. "Are you okay, taichou?" he asks gently, and comes around the side of the desk.

"Yeah. Just…" Ikkaku trails off when Kira's hands touch his leg. "Um."

Izuru looks up at him again—less shy this time—and Ikkaku can't help it when he groans and knows exactly what those eyes mean. Without waiting another moment, he picks his vice-captain up and tosses him over the desk. By the time he realizes that in doing so he'd somehow swept all of the papers that had been on top of it off of it, it's definitely too late to find his stupid note in the swirling mess of forms currently all over the floor.

For a moment he curses his own stupidity, but when Kira bites into his shoulder right after that, his eyes go glassy and he figures the note was dumb anyway, and chances are they'll never find it ever again regardless because he swears to god this office eats all the files that actually have some _purpose_.

But that's fine too.

He's got more important things to take care of right now.

**3. Third Party**

Later that night the strip club is even _less_ fun than even Renji and Iba had been anticipating, because Rangiku had somehow caught wind of their little outing and decides to invite herself along.

Needless to say, many of the strippers feel inadequate as she laughs and drinks alongside the guys and gets wasted enough to start rating the girls on scales of one to ten _out loud_.

Ikkaku sips his drinks and eyes Kira the whole time. The blond is looking pretty uncomfortable because Shuuhei had bought him a lap dance (being a good senpai and all that), and as far as Rangiku is concerned, the girl Izuru's got is a six and a half at best. That makes it awkward for everyone, stripper included.

Ikkaku wonders if he actually should give up and go with the manhandling in public plan after all. Dinner seems a lot more complicated in comparison.

He sighs.

To his left, Ran belches and pats him on the back. "Why the long face! Drink faster!" she implores, and leans on him bodily. "Ne, you look like you're thinking. It's weird." She pokes at the wrinkles in his forehead a little too hard, since her coordination is skewed.

He scowls and swats at her hand. "Leave me alone. I _am_ thinkin'."

"'Bout what?"

He eyes her. Looks at Izuru for a beat. "Nothin'."

She grins. "Girl trouble?"

"Naw."

"Guy trouble?"

He sputters beer out his mouth and nose at that. It burns.

She pumps her fist. "Guy trouble it is! What's up?" She hiccups then, and leans even more on him, like the fact that he's currently interested in someone without breasts means he won't take notice of hers despite the fact that they could be used as flotation devices for several small children in event of an emergency water landing. "Tell me, tell me!" she entreats.

Ikkaku growls. "No."

She pouts. Turns to call over her shoulder towards the bar, where Renji and Iba are getting more drinks. "Oi, you two! Tell me about the guy that Ikkaku's…"

He quickly clamps a hand over her mouth. "Are you insane?"

She licks his palm and he quickly withdraws. "I'm drunk," she says, matter-of-factly.

He sighs. "Then concentrate on bein' drunk."

"Nuh, uh. These ugly strippers are boring. Tell me about your _troubles_. 'S much more interesting." She belches again, as if to punctuate.

Ikkaku scowls. "I already said I ain't…"

"Poo!" she scoffs. "Then 'm gonna ask Renji'n Iba."

She turns to call out again. Ikkaku glares and grabs her shoulders, spins her back around. "Fine!" he hisses, annoyed. "I'll tell you, just shut the hell up, wouldja?"

She smiles lopsidedly at him. "Yay!"

He takes a deep breath. "Well… I… er. You see, I'm uh, tryin' to uh… tryin' to find a way to get Kira on a date, 's all," he murmurs, low and embarrassed. He can feel his cheeks getting hot again.

Matsumoto cackles in laughter. "That's it?!" she holds her stomach and giggles. "Aw, but that's easy! I'll ask him right now!"

Ikkaku blinks. "What? No! Don't…"

But then she's standing (using Ikkaku's head as leverage to push herself to her feet), and as his face hits the table with a thunk, Ikkaku hears her stumble towards Kira and trade places with the stripper on his lap.

At her tone, the girl hastily falls over herself getting away from the man who Matsumoto had rated as hotter than her by a whole 3 points.

"M-matsumoto-san?" Kira yelps, when the blond vice-captain plops into his lap.

Shuuhei whistles. "I ain't got enough to pay for this one, gorgeous."

She smirks at Hisagi. "Cute blonds are free," she says, and pats Kira's head. He turns a little bit pink too.

"Um…."

"Baldie sent me!" she declares then, and throws her hands up over her head like it's a great big happy announcement.

Ikkaku holds his breath, too terrified to move. He is fairly certain that he will never live this down. Not for a million years. At the same time, he is kind of relieved or something, because having Mastumoto do it is definitely the easiest way to go. He even begins to feel his hopes go up a little bit.

Matsumoto grins after a moment, and leans in close to Izuru. "So, what about it, blondie? You wanna go out on a date with me?" she purrs, and then bursts out into laughter again.

Kira stares. "E-eh?"

Ikkaku stares too. He thinks that maybe the crazy broad had _misunderstood _him in all her drunken stupor just now. His hopes go plummeting again, and he realizes that maybe he'd just given himself some pretty stiff _competition _in the process. "The _fuck_ is wrong with you, woman?!" he shouts, right at about the same time Iba hears her invitation to Kira and falls to his knees in defeat.

"They really do like the guys who like other guys!" Tetsuzaemon curses, as Renji nods knowingly beside him.

"Told you so," Abarai says drolly. "Why'dya think Kuchiki-taichou gets so many fan letters every day?"

Matsumoto ignores the two of them and wraps her arms around Kira's neck. "I know! We'll go shopping together!" she squeals. "I'll dress you up. You'd look so cute in a skirt."

Kira gapes at her while Shuuhei laughs and Ikkaku rubs his temples. He thinks that maybe this will all make more sense to him if he gets a little bit drunker.

Kira apparently feels the same way, because the next thing he's doing is holding out his hand and asking Shuuhei to get him another shot now, please.

In the meantime, Iba is weighing the merits of making out with Renji a little bit to see if that will get Rangiku in his lap too. Renji's answer to that idea is to punch Iba in the nose.

Ikkaku doesn't need to be sober to know that it's_ definitely _time to find some new wingmen.

**4. Romantic Surprise**

Ikkaku isn't the kind to bow to defeat.

So even though attempts one-through-three had gone disastrously stupid, he is convinced that things can only go uphill from there.

His next idea is a particularly brilliant one if he does say so himself, and involves something he'd caught Keigo's crazy sister watching back in the human world. Some teary-eyed drama about a guy-who-loves—a-girl-who-has-terminal-illness or something like that. Whatever. The important part about his having to sit through some of that with her (like a good house guest) is that he learned about a little thing called planning ahead.

So he sets a whole deal up just like the droopy-eyed guy from that drama, except without being a total pansy about it. He prepares a nice picnic on the grass overlooking the spot where the sun sets behind seireitei and figures so long as he can get Izuru out here before six they'll be able to watch it together or something. He doesn't know what kind of food to bring so he just buys a bit of everything to be safe and makes sure there is plenty of wine and not just booze because rotgut is probably not the way to go to get the romantic-type mood he's going for.

When he finishes all the preparations he is practically humming with self-satisfaction. He heads back to his office—maybe strutting just a little bit— in order to grab Kira and blindfold him or something, before taking him back out there.

He gets back to headquarters and finds his vice-captain working studiously at his desk. When Kira hears the door he looks up, blinks.

"Where have you been?" he asks, and is very slightly wary at the grin on Madarame-taichou's face.

"Out," Ikkaku tells him, and saunters over to the desk. "You busy?"

Izuru scoffs. "Just some reports that I would please like you to sign, if you've the time."

Ikkaku grins. "Yeah, well. Can't, on account of bein' busy. Come with me for a sec."

The blond blinks at him. "What for?"

Ikkaku's grin just widens. "C'mon. You'll see."

Kira sighs. "Can it wait until I'm done with these? I…"

He trails off because before he can finish, the alarms go off.

"All squadrons please report to your main headquarters immediately. Divisions 2, 3 and 5 please prepare for emergency deportment to the human world. All division captains are to report to the division one headquarters in order to receive personal orders from Yamamoto-soutaichou."

Ikkaku stares. His jaw works a bit. "Oh you have _got_ to be kidding me."

Kira on the other hand, is already in action, grabbing his squadron list and heading for the door. He pauses and stares when he sees that Ikkaku isn't doing the same. "Ikkaku?"

Ikkaku sighs. Counts backwards from ten. Then, he squares his shoulders. "Yeah, yeah, I'm comin'."

They are deployed less than an hour later, and as Ikkaku leads his troops through to the human realm on some recon mission regarding a _possible_ arrankar disturbance, he thinks to himself that there better be at least _ten_ of the fuckers there to take down, because that is the only way that his bad mood is going to be alleviated in the slightest.

That day, the third division learns just how scary their new captain can be when his expectations aren't quite met. They stand silently by—as per orders— and watch him as he tosses Hozukimaru aside and charges after the _one_ arrankar they manage to find, completely unarmed save for the blade of his own frustration.

He pummels the enemy to death with his bare hands.

**5. Prompted **

It is a day or two after that— when Ikkaku is completely out of new ideas— that Izuru finally loses patience with him. Ikkaku is brooding alone at his desk that afternoon, when the blond sighs and stands up suddenly, walking over to his captain's desk with purpose. He promptly takes Ikkaku's face in his hands.

"Hah?" Ikkaku says, and blinks at his vice-captain in confusion.

Kira gazes back down at him determinedly, and all Madarame can think when he sees those eyes looking at him just like that is that it's several kinds of hot.

But then Izuru smacks his cheeks lightly, because he knows exactly where Ikkaku's train of thought is heading just by looking at him. "No distractions," he says, and it almost sounds like an order.

Ikkaku blinks again and thinks it's kind of ironic that the other man should say that, because it's very hard to ignore the fact that bossy Kira is very distracting in and of himself. "So…uh…somethin' on your mind, Izuru?" Ikkaku manages after a breath or two, and tries to keep his focus like a good boy.

Kira's cheeks turn a little bit pink at the question, but he takes a deep breath and fights past whatever it is that's embarrassing him so that he can speak. "You have something to ask me," he says, softly.

Ikkaku stares. His eyes widen. "Wait…how did you…"

"So _ask me_, already," Kira finishes, voice trembling and barely above a whisper, but somehow, still very, very strong.

Ikkaku swallows. "Uh… I uh…right." He has to pause to shake his head because the blond is always surprising him and he's never been prepared for it, not once. He takes a deep breath. Then, very slowly, he manages to say: "So. Uh… you… you wanna go get dinner together? Sometime? Maybe?" It is awkward and kind of horrible when he asks, but to be fair, Kira is _looking at him_ and whenever that happens his words get even more retarded than usual.

Silence.

And then, after what feels like hours, Kira sighs—relieved. He's smiling when he lets go of Ikkaku's face, and Madarame thinks that that smile is several shades of brilliant right now, even more than usual.

"Yes. I would," he responds after a moment, cheeks still flushed. Ikkaku can't tell if it's from embarrassment or happiness now.

So he just stares at Izuru for a while instead. "Huh," he says, and looks kind of thoughtful. "I guess that wasn't so bad after all."

Kira smiles ruefully at him and settles himself in Ikkaku's lap with the air of someone who is very weary. "Not bad for _you_ maybe," the vice-captain sniffs, though he relaxes almost instantly when Ikkaku wraps his arms around him on instinct. Ikkaku is still kind of weirded out at how natural that feels.

After a moment, the bald shinigami grins. "Heh. We kinda did this whole thing backwards, huh?" he muses.

"Mm."

Madarame shrugs. "Works for me."

Kira laughs and lays his head on his captain's shoulder. "Yeah."

They enjoy the silence for a while after that, before something occurs to Ikkaku and he frowns. "Wait…so how'd you know I had something to ask you in the first place?"

Kira just eyes him for a long, silent moment, and doesn't say anything. And he doesn't have to really, because Ikkaku gets it after a while.

He grimaces. "Oh."

Kira laughs. "Yeah."

The third division captain sighs and finally figures out that in the end— though Yumichika may not look the part—he's probably the best wingman a guy like Ikkaku is ever going to get.

Unfortunately, that kind of wingman is also fucking expensive.

He rests his cheek against Kira's hair at the thought and reluctantly resigns himself to_ another _lifetime or two of owing Yumichika big.

Some things, he supposes, just can't be helped.

But Kira sighs happily then, and licks Ikkaku's throat. His hand casually slips into the opening of Ikkaku's gi.

And this prompts Madarame to think— in addendum— that some things are completely worth it as well.

He tells himself that he'll send something nice and costly over to Yumichika come morning.

**END**


End file.
